


Night (Episode Addition)

by Annsabella



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:26:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24668341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annsabella/pseuds/Annsabella
Summary: What other past experiences might Kathryn Janeway be regretting in the void?
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Kudos: 19





	Night (Episode Addition)

She had been given too much time to think. More time than should have been allotted. The darkness drawing her in and leading back to places she shouldn’t allow herself to revisit. Those were memories kept in the tiniest recesses of her mind for a reason, not meant for repurposing, examination, or reflection. It was too dangerous to bring them to the forefront of her consciousness. 

The feelings associated with them were raw and unprocessed. Hurriedly cobbled into a narrative that had never been given time to gestate into anything more than it was allowed to. Even though Chakotay had been the only one present during those events, he hadn’t any clue something beyond his original knowledge had happened. 

There was already one secret between them, something neither of them dared to acknowledge once they returned to Voyager after their time on New Earth. It had been allowed to linger undiscussed, but intrinsically understood that it never could be. Those memories belonged to another version of themselves. Memories that felt like an intrusion to think about, much less possess, as if they had been stolen and never returned to the owner.

The night Chakotay had admitted his feelings for her in that thinly veiled attempt at an ancient legend, she knew then the friendship they had developed since their meeting was about to evolve into something she wasn’t ready or prepared for. It had caught her off-guard, the intensity of emotion she felt at the moment of his admission. All her thoughts and feelings about Mark, their engagement, the life they’d shared had been quickly forgotten by the time he’d finished speaking. Almost as if she had already known and said goodbye to the loss long before passing the knowledge on to herself. 

Nothing happened between them immediately. They didn’t fall into each other’s arms and promise eternity. What did occur, happened later that evening in the middle of the night, when the boundary between consciousness and sleep couldn’t be bridged. She found herself hovering near the partition that separated his sleeping area from hers, trying to reconcile a decision she had made earlier but had failed to follow through with.

The knowledge they would be here for the rest of their lives hadn’t become completely real yet. She had just lost her research the day before yesterday and had spent all of the next with him cleaning up and repairing their shelter, blatantly ignoring the looks he was giving her until she couldn’t. 

She wanted to believe she was imagining it. Her overactive imagination combined with the knowledge of their circumstances leading her to see something that wasn’t actually there and may have never been. He was just being friendly, and it was she who was reading more into his words and glances than what was actually being conveyed. Second-guessing herself constantly and consistently over his verbal and non-verbal communication. If she wasn’t prepared to confront him directly in order to make certain it was just her imagination then she needed to let it lie and start focusing on the future she was more certain about. 

By that evening, she had finally managed to dismiss the previous thoughts which had continued to plague and consume her, making a fragile peace with it, and decided to focus on what was left of the research they had recovered during the day. A smattering of Petri dishes, the barely working protein analyzer, a few simple tools, some of the collected insects, but most importantly what was left of her notes. 

It wasn’t everything she needed to completely devote herself to a cure anymore, just enough to cling to the fantasy of hope. Too many pieces of her research were missing, how many insects she had already cataloged and discounted. Which cofactors led to a promising outcome and which had been left by the wayside. The molecular evolution of the planet’s ecosystem couldn’t be ascertained any longer. Even that damn monkey had become a lesson in frustration. Unable to get close enough to draw any kind of blood sample that might inspire her research to take an alternate direction. 

It was a fruitless endeavor reviewing the contents that were left but had done so anyway. Finding it a distraction from where her mind kept trying to lead her. She almost hadn’t admitted the pain in her shoulders, but upon realization of how silly a thing it was to try and hide began to laugh, finally conceding the dilemma aloud. What was she actually relinquishing by the admission that wasn’t completely obvious? He had eyes, so she wasn’t fooling anyone, least of all him by keeping the knowledge to herself. 

Hearing him release a chuckle, he volunteered his assistance and moved behind her. The moment he gathered her hair in his hand there seemed to be a spark pass between, causing them both to give a slight pause before he laid the bundle of locks over her shoulder. The moment his hands and fingers began to manipulate the tight muscles, she’d forgotten and relaxed into the pleasure and relief he was providing. 

He attempted to make conversation, more to distract himself from what just happened than her. His hands were already providing all the misdirection he needed. It didn’t take long before the distraction waned, especially after she’d moaned the compliment, reminding him of the spark he was trying to snuff out. She wasn’t even aware of what the velvety sound of her voice and the manner in which she’d spoken had affected him, until she did. 

The movement of his hands slowed until they’d stilled on her shoulders. His breath puffed gently near the top of her head. Suddenly aware of his closeness and the rush of remembrance to some subtle and not so subtle looks he had been directing toward her for the last two weeks alone. Suddenly realizing she hadn’t been misinterpreting anything. 

She extricated herself quickly and diplomatically, formulating the best method of retreat which would allow her to separate herself from the situation without hurting or revealing her own mixed feelings about him. She had begun to develop a strong attraction to him weeks ago but had been suppressing and ignoring it. Focusing most of her time and all her attention into her research. To her, these feelings felt like a betrayal to Mark, even though he was no longer apart of her life anymore. The hope of one day seeing him again growing dimmer each day she awoke to find herself still in the delta quadrant. Even more so now that she had begun to accept the fact she would be spending the rest of her life with a man she’d come to care deeply for on some nameless planet they’d christened New Earth. 

The confrontation she’d intended to use as a means of severing those feelings before they could fully take possession of her backfired. Not only had it strengthened them but dispelled any doubts she was harboring about his. 

That was how she found herself hovering outside his partition in the middle of the night. Trying to decide if she should indulge or continue to pretend they didn’t exist. The decision was agonizing, torturous. She was just a second away from turning around and going back to her own bed when she heard his smooth docile tone call out to her softly, “Are you coming in or not?”

He knew she was there, how long she didn’t know. More than that, he seemed to know what she was considering, pondering outside his partition. There was no way he could have known or predict she would be here considering a relationship outside of the one they currently had, but he did.

Rounding the partition which separated them, she noticed him holding up the covers as he lay as far back as he could in order to give her the space to join him. Without a word she did, sliding in next to him as he allowed the covers to drop down and moved on top of her. His lips found hers in the near darkness, hesitant at first, before applying more confidence.

Kissing him back, her hand felt for his face and caressed his cheek, the other found and slid down his side before coming to rest near his bottom. Her body was tingling and sending out all the familiar signals which conveyed her desire to go further, and he picked up on them effortlessly. 

It didn’t take long before the bottoms of their sleepwear went missing and his hips were moving against her under the blanket. The sensations he invoked where breathtaking, the feel of his body against hers astounding. He couldn’t have made her feel more desired or beautiful if he tried. The featherlight touch of his lips against her throat, his hands gentle yet firm, taking turns to caress her breasts through the silky top she wore, rendering her speechless. 

Her breath coming in short gasps in the presence of pleasurable sensations both new and familiar. He panted against her mouth as occasional soft blissful moans permeated her senses and urged her one step closer toward unequivocal excitation. Making love with him had surpassed all expectations. Exceeding any preconceived notion. He had outpaced and outperformed any previous lover, leaving her body aching with rapturous contentment and complete gratification.

He had performed these actions twice more, each endeavor surpassing the one which proceeded it. Only then had they allowed themselves to fall into a deep enervated sleep. 

In the morning, they awoke feeling extremely sore but content. She’d never be able to forget last night, but at the same time, it was overwhelming. All the layers of desire, love, and tenderness were infused into a night of intense passion. She didn’t think she’d ever be able to let go of him after that, and he seemed to feel the same. 

Their bodies were too sore and weak to do more than a few simple tasks and took the rest of the day to recover before getting back to the business of finishing their repairs of the shelter and clean up duty. The next day she put away what was left of her research and all the tools left intact she would have used to try and continue it. 

Neither of them discussed their night of lovemaking, there was no need. Each of them felt elated, happy, satisfied with the way things had evolved between them. Over the next few weeks, they had become extremely comfortable in each other’s presence, accepting their circumstances and moving on to projects that would cement their continued existence of the life they were building together. 

She started a tomato garden; he had shown her plans for a boat he wanted her opinion on before building. Allowing them to explore this new world together, secure in their unspoken union, and promise for the future. 

The staticky communication they’d received from Tuvok changed all their plans in one fell swoop. They were bringing a cure, one which would allow them to leave and call them back to their old lives. They should have been thrilled with the news. Shouldn’t they? Hadn’t that always been the plan since they arrived on this planet? 

They only stared at each other once the conversation with Tuvok ended. Thirty-six hours, that was all they had left before the doors to paradise closed and they would be headed back toward the alpha quadrant. The chapter on the new life they’d begun together would have to come to a close. Both of them knowing and resenting it. 

It was too painful to think about, much less discuss. So, they went about the business of deciding and gathering up all the useful items they would return back to Voyager with. Slowly resigning themselves to the upcoming change. 

Kathryn had felt a slight cramping in her stomach most of the day but dismissed it. There was too much to do before Voyager arrived and she couldn’t be bothered with the distraction. She scanned herself a little over two weeks ago when she felt a hardness developing in her stomach, unsure of what was causing it. The readings she received confirmed the ailment and generated a series of mental calculations regarding the time frame of when she had taken her last contraceptive injection, realizing she had miscalculated by not factoring in the planets thirty-two-hour daily cycles and longer months. 

She didn’t tell Chakotay, didn’t know how to tell him. The relationship was so new, and everything had been going so well that she didn’t want to add this particular complication to their day to day worries, figuring there was enough time to get their projects in order and for her to come to terms with it before dropping this particular bombshell.

It turned out to an unnecessary worry. That evening, the cramping had grown worse, and the baby she had just learned about was lost. When she reemerged from the bathroom two hours later, cleaned but wearing a towel, her skin pale and limbs weak, Chakotay had a right to be concerned. She claimed to have been sick, something had not agreed with her stomach and all she needed was rest. Assuring him that by the morning she should be feeling better and would be able to help him finish packing any last-minute items. 

He didn’t seem completely convinced but left it alone. Giving her the space, she clearly wanted. Never telling him of the pregnancy or the miscarriage. It would only inflict further pain if she had, and both of them were feeling pained enough with the knowledge that their life here was drawing to a close. 

The morning of Voyager’s arrival, they pulled out the uniforms neither thought they would see or wear again, believing not too long ago that that part of their lives was over. It felt odd in many ways having to put them on. It was the symbol of a past life, one they were now being called to reinhabit. 

The weight of the pips on her collar felt a little heavier that day. She and Chakotay would have to say goodbye to what might have been, knowing that the nature of their new relationship would only interfere with what the positions required. She wasn’t the kind of woman who could fully commit to both Chakotay and Voyager when their situation was so precarious. She would need every bit of mental fortitude and resilience to keep her crew safe and her ship intact. Anything beyond that would only become a distraction she couldn’t afford. 

He knew how her mind worked, understood her better than anyone on board, and knew this was what she needed right now in order to get back on track. He did too. The division would be necessary for a while until each of them became more comfortable with their roles again. Not knowing this would be the last time they would openly share their feelings for the other until after returning home to the alpha quadrant, but that was unknowable information.

The void had brought these, along with every painful decision she’d made over the last five years back to the surface. How she’d made the decision to strand Voyager here in the first place, but mostly angry about a life she had known but no longer had. 

Chakotay had been making excuses for her as she hid in her quarters, wallowing in past decisions she couldn’t change. Pretending not to know the extent of her sadness and depression, blaming the bulk of it on the decision to destroy the caretaker’s array, but it was him. He was the cause of her sadness without knowledge or intent. She wanted him the way she had back on New Earth, but it was too late to start over, too painful to contemplate. So, she stayed in her quarters, declined his requests for distractions under the guise that her mind was already perfectly clear, a little too clear actually, but could never disclose the knowledge she had kept from him along with her feelings. 

Their current relationship would have to continue as it was for now until the day came when it was no longer necessary. That is if they ever reached home and he was still available and wished to pursue it again. Another sacrifice to the delta quadrant. She had been becoming quite used to those. 

Later, as she sat in her chair, thinking, the lights went out and the events between the Malon and the indigenous species of the region began. Giving her a purpose and a means of distraction. Allowing her to put aside regret and focus on the task at hand, just as she was expected to. 

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> Members, as well as guests, are free and able to leave comments on any of my work.


End file.
